LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE

Sadly, I'm not talking about my kids. I'm talking about me. I lie to my kids. Often. I'm starting to get a little concerned that they will still believe the shit I say when they are adults. You know, like the adults that think deer actually cross where the deer crossing sign is located. I lie to make my life a little easier and I think many of us do. After all, we've been lying about Santa, the Easter Bunny and various versions of the Tooth Fairy for centuries.

What do I lie about? A favorite is the "Toy Snatchers". It was a mommy moment of genius! They come at night or when we leave the house and take any toys that aren't put away. Then, they give them to children that don't have toys. It seems to work. So well, in fact, that when we are in a hurry to leave the house and I don't want to spend 20 minutes watching my daughter put away her toys, I have to call the Toy Snatchers. She insists I tell them not take her toys because "mommy said it was ok". Fair warning- a friend of mine used this lie and it backfired when her son didn't want to clean up. He told her it was fine if the toy was taken since he didn't want it anymore. Thankfully, I haven't run into that problem.

My daughter learned how to open the car window by herself at the beginning of pollen season. I live in Georgia, so as you may or may not be aware, the pollen here is no joke. Not to mention, the sound of one window being rolled up and and down is fucking awful. And, with a baby in the back! Um, no. That was not going to work. She now believes that the car will either roll the windows up or won't roll them down if it senses too much wind. It's nice when the weather or my sanity doesn't permit the windows being fucked with.

When we go through the drive-thru at Chick-fil-A, she typically wants to go inside and play in the play area. One time when we were there, they had closed it because a child peed in it and someone had to go in and sanitize. Side note: I would like to know how they clean these play areas. Or maybe I don't. Anyway, so now, when all I want is to pick up chicken nuggets and go home, I tell her it's closed. Every time she comments that someone probably peed in it and I just leave it as "yeah, probably".

By the way, a lot of things open and close at my discretion. The beach doesn't open until she's eaten breakfast. Stores often close early when we need to go home. Playgrounds close when it's too close to bedtime. It seems to appease her, except when we drive by a store she knows and notices a full parking lot. Then, well, I'm pretty well fucked and have to hear how it's open and "why can't we go?" for the rest of the drive home or longer. My child is relentless! I wish I didn't know where she gets it from but, admittedly, I know all too well.

The fight to get Tyler to eat her vegetables isn't as horrible as it once was; but, some days, it is brutal getting her to eat actual meals. On those days, I ask her to show me her muscles. She proudly holds up her little arms and poses for me to inspect. I give a concerned face and tell her those muscles of hers are looking smaller and she should probably eat more (insert food item), so they can grow. She quickly stuffs her face and holds her arms up for me to confirm their growth. Sometimes, she needs to eat more and other times they've grown immediately. I also do this with fish. She's convinced her hair instantly gets shinier. Not sure how long this method will work, but so far so good.

My husband makes attempts at the lying game, but isn't quite as successful. He tried to convince Tyler that if she picks her nose, she'll get arrested. He asked a police officer to confirm that it was against the law, in front of her, trying to prove his lie. The officer said "nope, that's definitely not illegal". Clearly, he didn't have children. So, when that failed, I just went with "if you pick your nose, your finger may get stuck up there and we'll have to cut it off". This proved to be more effective.

And, there is nothing more helpful than using a lie to respond to a lie. Recently, she has started asking if Santa is always watching. Of course, being the good Jewish girl I am, I say he is (by the way, my husband is not Jewish, so we do have Santa). It makes it easier when I'm pretty sure she didn't do something I asked of her or I think she's fibbing about something. All I do is ask her if I should call Santa, you know, since he is always watching, and she'll quickly correct her action. Oh and yes, I have everyone's direct phone number.

I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I lie about. Well, maybe I can call them fibs? Either way, it reduces the number of arguments I have with my "threenager" and most days, that is the goal. I'm always open to hearing what works in your house, with your kids. I can use all the help I can get. That said, if I'm out and you overhear me say something completely far fetched to my child, don't shake your head in an effort to let my kid know it's not true. Rather, know there is an end goal and it usually involves eliminating an argument and getting my kids down for an afternoon nap or to bed at a reasonable hour, so I can watch a non-animated show, with a cocktail, in peace.