MENTAL BREAKDOWN COMING SOON

Remember that scene in the Sex in the City movie where Charlotte is crying in her pantry while her kids are on the opposite side of the closed door? She's in that place where you think, "One more thing, just one more and I'm going to lose my mother fucking mind!" We've all been there, right? Or maybe currently are there? And, let's all remember that Charlotte had a nanny!  A full time nanny, as a stay at home mom!

My husband's travel schedule has had him out of town the better part of the last 3 weeks and I'm about at my limit. Now, my pantry isn't big enough for my emotional breakdowns, but I have had to shut myself in my closet or in the bathroom while I cried with my kids in the other room. My guess is, that as a mom, you have or will too. The days when it may not be so atypical than your standard day, but on that particular day, in that moment, it's just more than you can bear.

In my pre-kid years, I would have relished my husband's travel schedule. I'd cook a nice dinner that he wouldn't want to eat, drink wine out of those beautiful glasses we got for our wedding, read a magazine, binge watch some trash show and use all the hot water sitting in a bath until I prune. Now, him being away looks very different. Leave work, stop by the store on my way to pick the kids up, hear yelling from the back seat as what her snack options are for the 10 minute ride home that feels like an eternity. Finally, we get home, I make dinner while my now 9 month old crawls only to hang on my leg and scream until I finally pick him up while my daughter attempts to "help" me. I say "help" because as many of you know, a toddler serving as your sous chef is nothing short of painful. So painful, I'm convinced poking my eyeballs with sewing needles would be more enjoyable. Anyway, so we make dinner, I consume said dinner at a record pace while feeding Nolan in between bites, so Tyler can continue her slow motion eating while I try to get everything ready for the next day. Upstairs, bath, play a little, pick out clothes, book, bed. Then it's let the dogs out, play with them, laundry, pay bills and whatever else needs to be done. It's exhausting when everything goes as planned (and yes, that scenario is "as planned").

The "as planned" doesn't often happen though. Usually someone is crying, boycotting the meal they requested, making a mess, fighting me on taking a bath, throwing out excuses as to why she can't eat, or bathe, or clean something up or go to bed or... well, it's endless. And then, the mornings. What the fuck with the mornings lately!? Nolan must have the cleanest fucking colon at this point. No shit. Well, actually a lot of shit. Shit up his back, down his leg, in his hair, on the sheets. So I bathe him only for him to puke up his bottle because he's so congested resulting in bath number 2, all before 8am. In less than 36 hours this week, he had 3 baths. I'm then washing sheets (again) and have now thrown away 2 pairs of pajamas. All this while Tyler dry heaves anytime she comes close to the location of these incidents repeating over and over again that she's "gonna puke" and she "can't handle the poop".

When we finally get out of the house and make it to school, I feel relief as I drive to work only to sit in traffic, which really isn't so bad considering what I just dealt with. Anyway, it's a lot. Single moms- I salute you! I don't know how you do it. It's amazing I don't cry in closets or lock myself in bathrooms more often.

I don't say all this to imply I don't love my kids with every inch of my being, because I do. They are amazing little humans and while they challenge me, they also make me laugh and incredibly proud. The reason I say all this to acknowledge that it's hard. The routine of life with kids has been difficult for me. Then, to do it on my own lately, well, it feels pretty brutal sometimes.

Let me recognize, it's not just this stage. I'm convinced every stage has its struggles. When it was just Tyler, I had never been so exhausted and then just trying to figure out how to be a new mom, with the postpartum! Good. God. I had never felt more blindsided. Why didn't my mom friends say how overwhelming it was? Why didn't they tell me I may cry 30 times a day for no reason and want to smother my husband with his pillow when he slept through 2am feedings? Why didn't anyone mention that, at times, I would question my decision to become a mom and wonder if I could actually handle it? And more so, why didn't anyone say all this would happen and it was ok to feel this way? That it didn't mean I was an awful mom or that it didn't mean I didn't love my babies? Anyway, then it was another kid and everything that went along with two of them. Like I said, every stage, but you know what I need to hear when I'm having a difficult time? It's most certainly not the "relish each moment" bullshit. When it's hard, I need to hear that you've been there too. That I'll survive and I'm not going to ruin my kids forever. 

So, listen to me you mommy-to-be or new mom: There are days when you'll feel you just can't do it. Days when you wonder if you really did want to be a mom. Days when you'll mourn your pre-kid life or the ability to leave the house without packing everything your baby could possibly need. There will be times when you lock yourself in a closet and cry. These thoughts, these feelings, they don't make you an awful mom. It's normal. It makes you human, but what I will say, is you got this. You will eventually get to shower, one day you'll eat a hot meal and soon, you will get some sleep. As for me, in the stage I'm in, I keep trying to tell myself that I'll survive the tough times. I remind myself of the fun and quality time that I get to have alone with my kids. I keep in mind that even though I'm the only one hearing the tears and the sass, I'm also the only one home to get all the kisses and cuddles.

I don't know what the next stage brings, but I know it'll have its challenges. I also know that it'll have it's rewards. I'm sure I'll still be having crying sessions locked away from time to time, but after my pity party, I'll wipe my face and head back out to face the craziness. That's what we do, right? As moms? We face it and eventually learn to embrace the mayhem because if we don't, well, then I am certain we'd all be committed. Come to think of it, it would be quiet... nice, clean, padded walls to drown out any sound, all the sleep I could want with what I'm guessing would be a pretty awesome cocktail of drugs. Hmm.. definitely tempting some days, but I think I'll keep at this. It all goes back to not wanting to my husband to get all the credit during the "my kids are successful, contributing members of society" stage. My motivation may look very different from yours, but it's there, and it's enough for me to eventually emerge from the locked closet or bathroom and get all those cuddles and kisses that make it worth it.