JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE DONE DATING...

After I got married, I would hear from friends and co-workers about their dating experiences and felt so grateful to be done with it. When I was dating, I did have some really fun times but I also had several really awful encounters. The whole experience of meeting someone and the number exchange and the "are they going to call or do I call" and the games that no one plays but really everyone does to an extent... ahh!! Yep, I was done. I had found my person and didn't have to worry about any of that, anymore. Yeah, I was wrong. I would be dating again soon enough, but this time, it would look a little different.

We all have our best childhood friend or friends. The ones we've known forever who you could call at the last minute and go to each other's mess of a house without having to make plans. You would hang out with them everyday if you could because it's easy. It doesn't require preparation or an effort to look your best. You don't have to make a platter of perfectly cut veggies with dip when all you really wanted was a stiff drink. Well, where are mine? They either live 1,000 miles away, or there are scheduling difficulties, or life has just gotten in the way. Maybe it's that our ideal distances to travel from home has become a diameter of 5 miles because after a full work day and picking up kids, no one wants to stray far. It's not a bad thing. It's just life. Then, when you do make plans so far in advance, by the time that day comes, you are so exhausted that you'd rather drink your bottle of wine in something stretchy and try to get your kids to bed early. Before kids, it was different. It wasn't a big deal if you stayed out a little late or had that additional drink because you could sleep in or crash after work. Now, knowing what you face on a day to day basis, it almost seems better to stay in than to even tempt yourself because "momming" hungover is the fucking worst!

Fast forward a few years and I had a baby. Now, my non-mom friends really didn't want to hang out with a newborn for a low key night in and if they did want to do something, they wanted to go out, like to a bar, with too many cocktails, far past my 10pm bedtime. And my local mom friends, well, it goes back to the scheduling and having to make plans or their kids being older than mine, which made it difficult.

So, there I was after baby #1, and I thought, "Now what"? Do I continue the agony of scheduling time with some old friends so that one of us cancels because something inevitably comes up? Do I hang out with my husband all the time because my kid-less friends don't really want to adapt to my new "mom schedule"? I mean, I love him, but I can't. I need girlfriends and I don't know about you, but as I've aged (gracefully, I like to think), meeting new people and building real friendships has been difficult. So, when I became a mother, I tried to think of it as a perfect opportunity to develop the relationships I was in search of. How hard could it be? Well, it was definitely harder than I expected.

All of a sudden, I was dating again and it was a process. First, I'd see a mom at school and make an attempt at a brief conversation. If that went well, then what? Ask her for her number? Out for a drink? A play date? How the fuck does this work? Well, exactly like that. "Hey, want to get the kids together for a play date?" seemed to be the easiest route. Then the number exchange happened with ease and there you have it. Or, I didn't have it. I can't begin to tell you how many "dates" I had. My child always seemed to enjoy her play date, but I had several that well, we just weren't a good fit. Then, how did I handle the next time I saw them at school and they asked for another date? Do I try to adjust my drop off or pick up times? Will I always be busy? Fuck, it was exhausting! I'd come home and my husband would mockingly ask how my date was and how many more I had in me. Good question.

After telling my husband about some fellow moms' not-so-favorable reactions to some of my comments, he had reminded me that I could sometimes be crass and offensive so, I thought, if I want to really make friends, I need to reign it in. I quickly became annoyed by having to restrain or rephrase what I really wanted to say in an attempt to be somewhat sensitive and diplomatic. After enough "bad dates" I couldn't help it, I had had enough and I was just me. 100% unapologetically me. Who was I kidding? Did I really want these new mom-friends if I they didn't really know or appreciate who I am? I quit caring what others thought about me years ago so why was I trying to revert back now. Being completely authentic allowed others to feel comfortable or enabled me to see who they really were. It was refreshing and amazing. Finally, I found them. The moms that I connected with. The ones that admitted to needing a break from their kids and were excited about grabbing cocktails. The ones who would openly discuss marriage, work and motherhood, knowing even with all the shit we may joke or bitch about, we love our husbands and kids more than anything. We will see each other at pick up, note the need for a cocktail in each other's eyes and schedule an impromptu play date at one of our unclean houses and create dinner for our kids from random freezer options, all so we are able to enjoy some time while our kids wear themselves out. It's easy, it's made me a happier person, a better mom and gives my kids something fun to do. 

I'm still completely open and would love to meet new moms I connect with, and I will have plenty of school events and birthday parties to do just that. I will also have more opportunities to be around you long enough to know if we "aren't a good fit". This makes it tough when my kid wants a play date which would involve a mom I can't bear the thought of spending 5 minutes with, let alone an hour or more. Do I take one for the team? I don't know about you, but I can't right now. With my little threenager and an infant, my patience is constantly at max capacity. Does that make me selfish? Maybe. Is my child deprived of anything? I don't think so. My time is valuable and my sanity is vital, so why would I spend it with a mom who I'm going to drink iced tea with while we discuss some bullshit on "what's normal at this age". Really, I can assure you, that mom wouldn't want to spend their time with me either. So, unless you got some vodka in that tea and want to talk about the funny shit your kid says or something adult like, let's just agree to let our kids enjoy playing with one another at school.

A little side note to one of my most favorite mom friends, who I know will read this and is moving in a couple weeks. Thank you for encouraging me to write this blog. Thank you for your friendship, your realness and your contagious laugh. Thank you for speaking freely and openly and being a part of my crazy life while sharing yours. I will miss you dearly, but please know, you will never be rid of me. I am so excited for all that awaits you and your family- your new city is lucky to have you.