THE DIRTIEST JOB

Have you ever see the show Dirty Jobs? Host Mike Rowe accompanies various workers on their "dirty job", whether it be a meat processing factory or sanitation facility or a number of other workplaces. I seemed to have missed the episode where he works with a mom. I mean, isn't being a mom the dirtiest fucking job?

At first I thought, maybe it's the first kid or maybe it's that my kid is just gross, but after the second, I've decided it's not that child, it's all of them. Kids are disgusting and as a result, I have now lowered my standards on what I deem to be an acceptable level of cleanliness.

Looking back, it all kinda started with pregnancy. No one really talks about it and everyone has different experiences, but me? I sweat like a 500lb man. So bad in fact, that my husband woke me one night to ask if I wet the bed. Hell, one day I was walking and heard something only to turn around and realized that the sound came from me. I didn't even feel the gas! Thankfully, no one was behind me to witness the episode, but what the fuck?! Then, I was preeclampsic and was so swollen I looked as puffy as the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka and even worse after all the fluids from the C-Section. Then, there is the disgusting-ness that happens after birth and the leaky boobs and hot flashes and... well, everything.

Ok, pregnancy is done and soon I'll be done with the "post birth" grossness... or so I thought. The "dirty job" had only just begun. I realized this with my kid's first black tar shit. Fortunately, i couldn't get out of bed so my husband had first diaper change duty (or doody). It resulted in his hands and arms covered in shit, screaming at me to buzz the nurse. Well, with enough of the pain meds my reaction time was a little slow. Eh, who am I kidding, I think I was just taking time to enjoy the moment. Anyway, that was only a little preview. Both my kids spit up and they both projectile vomited. Not just puke, but exorcist style, arching, hit the wall behind me, puke. It was fucking gross. The little fuckers would wait until I showered and blew dry my hair to puke in it and down my shirt. After a few weeks, with the combination of exhaustion and few clothing options, I began just wiping myself off with a wet cloth and went on my way. I adapted to the smell of vomit and quit caring. Fuck, at that point I was (and truthfully, still am) adamantly opposed to creating more laundry for myself anyway. I have been peed on, in the face, my kids have puked in my mouth (shockingly, there are multiple ways that has happened) and I have had to scrub shit from under my fingernails. So, there I was, or here I am, a dirty mom with disgusting children.

Where was Mike Rowe for all that? Where was he when my daughter shit the tub or when my son did, for that matter? Where was he when my kids' diapers weren't on well or weren't equipped to hold the shit my child produced and it covered my clothes, hands, arms and every nearby surface? Where was he when my kid's ass exploded and shit was all over him from his feet to his head and I was trying to get it down the bathtub drain?!? Or during the potty training process when I am trying to get underwear off my kid without getting poop everywhere? And those are just the bodily functions!

My kids use/used pacifiers. I don't have the time, energy or sometimes the option, to boil them or sanitize them every time they drop so, I stick them in my mouth and put them right back in theirs. Please note, I do not do this in bathrooms or other similar situations (or at least not yet). I justify it by saying it builds up their immune system. I suppose this has prepared me or helped me deal with watching my kids lick windows, their shoes or eat off public floors. You see? Gross. They're gross and now I'm gross.

Wait, there's more. What about when they're sick and you have to clean up toddler vomit or pull green, slimy boogers from their little noses so they can breathe? Um... a little confession... I am now so gross, that I do find the booger thing oddly satisfying (well, on my own kids anyway). What is not satisfying is watching my child with her finger up her nose and me not being able to immediately wash her hands before she touches everything! Then there are the times she wipes her snotty nose on her sleeve or my sleeve, or even my bare arm or leg when there are plenty of tissues accessible.  What worse, is I am well aware that I don't see a fraction of the disgusting acts that take place but hey, what I don't know won't hurt me, right?

It does hurt a little when I don't realize that I have some unknown substance on my clothing, in my hair or on my body and someone else points it out. There are times when a friend or co-worker will politely try to wipe it off my sleeve or even the back of my shoulder and I secretly fear what will come off. They likely assume they are about to wipe off something innocent like dirt or lint and in reality, I panic that they may be pulling a dried booger off my shirt or brush off crusty snot from shoulder. So, for future reference, I really appreciate you helping me look a little more put together but, maybe just point it out or grab a towel. I don't know that even I would feel safe trying to clean me off with my own bare hand.

So, I think it's safe to say that being a mom is the absolute dirtiest job; but, even with all of their grossness and the disgusting world I now live in, I'm still going to kiss on those snotty faces, hold their sticky hands and wipe their dirty butts. I can't help it, I love my babies and all the yuck the comes with them. Well, maybe I don't love the yuck but, it kinda comes with the territory at this stage so, I'll take it, knowing that I'll bathe them later and cuddle their fresh little faces. And it's those moments that make the dirty job worth it.