SORRY, NOT SORRY

How many times a day would you guess we apologize for our kids? I don't actually know the statistics on this, but I'd imagine most parents apologize fairly often. I have... many times. Even worse, I have heard stories of parents providing a plane full of people with a preemptive apology note and snack for their child's potential behavior. When did we start having to apologize for kids before something happens? Hell, if this is the case, then here it is: "I'm sorry for leaving home with my young children". Recently, I'm starting to reevaluate the need to say "sorry" AFTER they have had sub-par behavior, let alone, before.

I feel like I apologize all the time. I've apologized to those walking down the grocery store aisle when they witness my kid's outburst over me not buying a particular snack. I've said sorry when she's had a tantrum for who knows what reason and she turns into a pile of mush on the floor of whatever establishment we may be in. I've apologized for my kid interrupting and for her saying something that is rude or inappropriate even though she doesn't know better. I've apologized for my daughter's "relaxed pace" when someone is holding the door or for my son pulling my shirt down when holding him so the adult in front of me gets a full frontal view of my chest.

Looking back, I've said "sorry" an awful lot and I have to tell you, I'm done. I'm so tired of apologizing for my kid and, in a way, for me being a mom. Now, let me explain. If my toddler decides to have an outburst or melts on the floor, he or she is just that, a toddler. If you don't have kids or have perfect children (please tell me your secret) or have forgotten the early years, I'll enlighten you: Toddlers have meltdowns. For no reason. Wherever and whenever they want. It's frustrating and overwhelming for me as a parent and your glares don't help me fix anything. If I'm ignoring it, it's so it ends faster, but I can assure you, it's not because I can't hear or see. If they are in your path, I will move my child out of your way and need you to know I'm probably more annoyed than you. Now, if my kid's "display" holds you up, then I will apologize.

How about when we are having an adult conversation and my kid interrupts. Yes, I try to teach my children that interrupting is rude and they need to wait their turn but again, infants and toddlers really don't give a shit what you are doing when they want or need something. If there is a little person pulling at my shirt or saying "mommy" over and over again, chances are I am no longer focusing on what you're saying so please, don't make me ask you to "hold that thought" so I can quickly address my kid and remind her/him of manners. I know you hear it and I'm guessing you think they'll stop, but unlike tantrums, my kids are relentless when they need something, so ignoring the situation doesn't work. I promise, I will come back to our conversation, but I'm not going to apologize for being a mom and having young children anymore. I'm not going to apologize because when I decided to have kids, I made the decision to put their needs first and yes, that means before you, and more often, before me.

This one is fun. What about when my kid is an asshole, but doesn't mean to be? For example, we were at the store and my daughter, rather loudly, pointed out a woman and exclaimed, "MOM! LOOK HOW BIG SHE IS!" Please note, she was actually referring to one particular woman's height; however, the other women around didn't know that. If it helps, she told me I have a "big booty". She said this in comparison to her "little booty" and when she grows she'll have a "big booty" too. See what I mean? Innocent. Please don't expect me to apologize for your insecurities. I can assure you that my kid means nothing by it, but if she did, I would know and I'd absolutely address it and acknowledge it, immediately.

Children move at their own pace so if you decide to hold the door for us, please understand I can't make them move faster. They operate on their own, sweet, precious time. My baby will often offer you a nice view of my chest- all I can say is, "lucky you". If you ask to hold my infant and he pukes on you, you took on that risk. I'm not going to apologize anymore, but I will definitely move quickly to grab a towel to clean you up.

Now, here's something to know. If my kid is just being annoying, I'll put an end to it and I do expect fellow parents to do the same. I was in a bathroom with impressive acoustics and a mom was letting her kid bang on the metal paper towel holder while screaming nonsense. There was no attempt to quiet the child or distract the child and no, I don't want an apology. I wanted the mom to make some effort in controlling her kid so I could have 2 minutes of relative peace to pee. It is important to note that even in this situation, I didn't need her to say she was sorry for her kid, I needed her to shut it, the fuck, down!

Here's the deal, I won't take my crazy littles to a fine dining establishment and allow them to disrupt your dinner. So please, understand that when you choose to have date night in a kid friendly atmosphere, that, my friend, is on you when kids are being kids. As a former server, I will no longer apologize for the mess my kid makes. When you saw them at the table you knew what was in store for you. I will however, tip you extra to show my appreciation for your patience and the additional clean up that awaits you.

I'm not trying to make excuses for my the way my children behave, but I'm also not trying to apologize anymore for them being young kids and me being a mom. I do my absolute best to teach my children how to be good people with good manners who respect others and I will always enforce that. That said, please keep in mind that they are learning and, a lot of times, I am too. It's not easy being a mom and facing the embarrassment when your kid loses his or her mind in public. So, if you witness a situation like this, try to show the mom (or dad) some love or, at least, some empathy. Judgement won't help anything.

For the record, if I am expected to apologize for my kids and their asshole behavior all the time, I expect the many asshole adults I encounter to apologize for theirs, too. At least my children don't know better.