ME, MYSELF & I

Once upon a time, I was without kids. I did things I enjoyed doing, I made time for myself and I had a disposable income. I thought about me and what I wanted and I had time to do just that. Time: a commodity I often took for granted and haven't had much of lately. Now, my time is spent running errands, making sure I have groceries in the house and meals made and dance class paid for and oh shit, I forgot she tore her tights so I have to run to Target for the 3rd time today since she needs them tomorrow... and well, you get my point.  

Day in and day out, I'm busy. I'm busy from the moment I wake up until the time I lay my head down. I'm busy and I'm tired, just like every other mom I know, but what is worse than that, is I've started to realize that I'm loosing myself. My husband travels. A. Lot. I'm not saying that his travel schedule, of every other week for 5 days, is easy for him, but I damn sure know it's hard on me and I don't really have time to think, let alone, time for myself. I'm pretty sure this became obvious to my husband when he came home from one trip and the next day called me to tell me to take the night off to do whatever I wanted. Great! I was stoked. I'm going to do whatever I want!! And then, everything stopped. What do I want? I called my husband. "Um, what should I do?". He kind of laughed and said, "I don't know. Do something fun. Something you enjoy". Hmmmm.......

In that moment, I realized that I don't know what I like to do anymore or what it is that I enjoy. What happened to me? When did I start neglecting myself? I thought I was doing pretty fucking awesome considering I shower most every day and usually have myself together but, that's all on the outside. I've made everyone else a priority and in doing that, I've forgotten what makes me happy, only me. Once I became I mom, two things happened: I gained patience (yes, what I exhibit is an improvement over what it was, believe it or not) and selflessness. As moms, we do for our kids and our household and I guess I've been doing it for so long that I've forgotten how to "do" for me. It's kinda like the oxygen mask on the plane. They say to put yours on first and then your child's. If I'm not taking care of myself in my daily life then am I really doing right by my kids or those around me? The answer is "no". So, here I go. I will figure this shit out. 

Well, what am I going to do? I'm hungry. I'll eat. Where? And all of a sudden it hit me. I can choose whatever I want. Sushi. I want sushi. I arrived to the restaurant and walked by the hibachi grills, full of families and young children, and went straight to the Sushi Bar. I ordered a glass of wine and far too much food, but it was delicious. As I ate, I noticed that I don't really taste my food all that often. I am in such a hurry to do something productive or just get through dinner that I now wonder if I even enjoy half the shit I eat. Anyway, as I looked over to the hibachi grills, I saw myself. I saw a mom with her husband and 2 young kids. She was feeding one kid while speaking with the other. When she had one hand accessible, she drank her glass of wine in a few gulps and flagged the waiter down for another before he left the table. It was then I realized how I was still on my first glass and how odd that typically was for me. Usually I was that mom I saw. I wanted to hug her and invite her to sit next to me. It became clear how badly I needed this night for myself. I was grateful for my babies and my job and my husband, but I was also grateful to be alone and eating what I wanted, where I wanted and when I wanted. Ok, so I ate, now what?

A movie. I'm going to go see a movie. A non-animated movie that husband won't want to see- that's the movie I want. I bought a ticket and saw a cute movie with Reese Witherspoon. I paid for overpriced movie theatre candy and I didn't have to share! Pretty sure I could have purchased several Halloween size bags of candy for what I paid but fuck, I didn't want to make another stop and the convenience of it was worth every dollar. I walked into the empty movie theatre and changed rows several times. My husband likes to be towards the back, on the end, so that's where we sit.  I guess I hadn't been to a movie by myself in a while because I couldn't even remember where I like to sit. The middle. That is where I like to sit and it only took me a couple seat changes to figure it out. I watched the movie without getting up to take anyone to the bathroom or hear anyone's voices in my ear or requests for food or drink. It was amazing. At the end, i went to the restroom and looked in several stalls before committing to the one I'd use. My daughter does this. I'm often annoyed by the time it takes for her to survey every single stall before committing to the cleanest one. I'm annoyed, yet I'm now guilty of it too. I have to wonder if she got this from me or I got it from her. Either way, maybe I'll be more patient next time. 

I drove home with my windows down and music on. I was relaxed. I was happy. I felt ready to go back to being a mom and wife and house manager. Having that night to myself was just what I needed. Could I have called a friend to hang out? I'm sure I could have, but it was actually pretty great having an evening that allowed me to be a little selfish. Listen, I know not everyone enjoys eating by themselves or going to movies alone, but mom to mom, I'd recommend doing something by yourself. This is for the moms that still have it together and know what they enjoy and the moms that have forgotten. It's hard though. The guilt. I don't know why I feel guilty taking a night to myself, but it's there. Really, I should feel guilty if I don't do it, depriving my family of experiencing the refreshed, happier mom and wife. 

This is a work in progress - remembering and experiencing what I enjoy, but I'm committed. Not in the crazy, padded room way, but it's evident that if I don't start taking time for myself, then I will absolutely be "padded room committed" before long. So, my fellow moms, please try it. Take yourself out and if you don't want to go by yourself, invite someone with you, but try to do exactly what you want to do. You may realize you compromise on what you want, more than you thought. I'm a mom, but I don't want to be defined by that. I never wanted to be someone's daughter or someone's wife and now, I don't want to be someone's mom. I want to be Ondrea, who is also all those other things. In order to do that, I'm just going to have to dedicate the little time I can find to falling in love with myself, all over again. Damn, I sure do hope I like her.